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Volume 30
October 04l
Welcome to Volume 30 of Living on the Edge, the monthly newsletter from Living Edge Life Coaching, designed to inform, educate, challenge and inspire you!
For previous volumes click here.
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Annabel Varvel Life Coach BA.LLB
COACHING CORNER
Growing up as a parent
Parenting is for life! Perhaps no relationship has such power to threaten us, to undo us, to thrill us, to destroy us, and to control us – for a lifetime! But no relationship has such power to teach us. If we will allow ourselves to be teachable, our children, will teach us far more than we could possibly hope to teach them.
We will do far better as parents if we take the focus off the child and put it on the parent. (Not, of course in everything, but at a place where it centrally belongs.)
In parenting, as in life, there are no guarantees, as much as we'd like them (and with our money back!). 'Bad' parents have 'good' children and 'good' parents can have 'bad' children. Parenting is not a formula, so lets look at a couple of distinctions that will help you grow (and be less frustrated) as a parent.
Try to evacuate your mind of every previous definition you have ever understood by the word goal, and in its place...
Define a GOAL as a legitimate and desired objective, which, at any given moment...
- I need to reach in order to sustain my personal integrity (something tied to my core beliefs about life and my own identity and self worth) and...
- is 100% under my personal control.
Now, evacuate your mind of every previous definition you have ever understood by the word desire, and in it's place...
Define a DESIRE as a legitimate and desired objective, which, at any given moment...
- I want, but do not need in order to sustain my personal integrity and sense of worth, and...
- is anything less that 100% under my control (I may be able to influence, but cannot control 100%)
The key to mental health and greater peace of mind as a parent, is: NEVER assume responsibility for a desire but you can take total responsibility for a goal.
Our problem is that we regularly get our goals mixed up with our desires. What should be a desire, we make into a goal. And so a big part of growing into greater maturity is to keep the distinction clear and strong. NEVER assume responsibility for a desire, but only for a goal.
For example, it's my desire for Alexander to learn and grow into a young man who loves life and the people around him. I can influence him in this as he grows, but my self worth is not based on what Alexander is like as he grows up. Further, I cannot control him 100%, therefore it cannot be a goal - it can only ever be a desire. My goal can be to love and nurture him as best I can and give him opportunities to learn. Me doing that is central to who I am as a mother, and I'm 100% in control of me- therefore it is an appropriate goal.
A helpful way to know if we are confusing our goals and desires is to look at our emotions. Our emotions will be great clues for us. We can identify 'wrong' goals (things that really should be desires) as follows:
- When our (wrong) goal is uncertain, we experience... ANXIETY
- When our (wrong) goal is blocked, we experience... ANGER
- When our (wrong) goal is unreachable, we experience... DESPAIR and DEPRESSION
- When our (wrong) goal is reached, we experience... ILLEGITIMATE HAPPINESS
So what then about desires? They grow our character - they grow us up! They teach us patience and humility, courage and tolerance, kindness and perseverance, self-control and all those qualities that are best learned in the furnace or crucible of life! They do this as follows:
- Uncertain desires lead to... productive anxiety
- Blocked desires lead to... good anger
- Unreachable desires lead to... sadness and good grieving
- Reached desires lead to... gratitude, humility and celebration
The real key as parents, as people, is to keep growing. What if our children have parents who are not always the 'knowing ones', providing answers, but the 'growing ones', creating ongoing relationship, learning to forgive, learning to listen, building relationships conversation by conversation?
This article is a summary of a seminar I recently attended called Growing up as a Parent, run by John Webb. The goals/desires distinction comes from Dr Larry Crabb.
John S. Webb has over 35 years as a counsellor and counsellor trainer both in Australia and the USA. He has also trained and studied with Dr Larry Crabb. John has 3 adult children, a daughter and 2 sons and his second wife has 2 sons. Apart from having his own children, John has worked with many families and has gained deep insight into the issues facing parents today. He brings a tough but tender sensitivity to the stark realities of what it means to 'grow up' as a parent.
CDs & SEMINAR
If you would like purchase the 2hr CD pack of the Growing up as Parents for $10 + $3 p&h please send an email to coach@livingedge.net.
If you want to know more about John Webb presenting 'Growing up as a Parent' to a group you are involved in (school, community groups, churches etc) please contact John -details opposite.:
John S. Webb, Director
Tanglewood Ministries, Inc.
Ph/fax:+ 61 2 4757 1444
Mobile:
0410 469 914
Email: tanglewood@mac.com
GOT A QUESTION?
THOUGHT FOR THE MONTH
If you have a question or situation that you would like a life coach's perspective on... email it to coach@livingedge.net and I'll answer in Living on the Edge.
Children need models rather than critics.
Joseph Joubert
Questions, comments, suggestions email coach@livingedge.net
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