TM
Vo
Volume
16l
Welcome to Volume 16 of Living on the Edge, the fortnightly newsletter from Living Edge Life Coaching, designed to inform, educate, challenge and inspire you!
For previous volumes click here.
Please forward onto your friends/colleagues and encourage them to subscribe.
Annabel Varvel
Life Coach BA.LLB
COACHING CORNER
4
relational germs & 3 antibiotics -
Part 2
RECAP:
There are a number of things that can sicken a relationship - here are 4 keys:
1. Withdrawal
2. Escalation
3. Belittling
4. Seeing the negatives
So, if our relationships are inflicted with any of these germs, what are some good all round antibiotics?
1. Skill of honour
You need to honour and respect your partner in order to have a healthy relationship. You need to value them as a person and as your partner. Here's a great practical suggestion:
Make a list of positive things about them - that's it, actually write down all the things you like/love about that person. It might be things they have done for, qualities they have etc. Go back in your mind to when you first met - what attracted you to them? Write that down. Once you've got your list, put it in a special place (I have a 'Leigh Box' where I keep things special to me about him and our relationship). That way you can add to it whenever you think of something else (or they do something you want to remember) and on those occasions when you're finding it hard to think of positive things, pull out the list and remember the good things.
So much of the way we feel about another person is in the way we think about them. Many people think we don't have control over our emotions. To a large degree I don't think that's true, as we have control over our minds and our minds have a massive impact on the way we feel. If we fill our minds with the positive it will improve the way we feel towards another. Don't believe me? Try it for a day - only allow yourself to think positive things about your partner and see if it makes a difference!
2. L.U.V. talk
Listen - really listen. Don't sit in front of the TV and pretend to listen whilst watching The Simpsons. Give your partner your undivided attention for some time each day. Try to listen to the emotion behind the words, listen with a view to trying to understand.
Understand - a great way to understand is to listen! If you don't understand, ask questions. Part of the loving you're doing is the process of being interested enough in your partner that you WANT to understand what is going on for them.
Validate - affirm what is said by your partner. Validate their opinion (even if different from your own). Much of this will happen when you listen and understand. Positively reinforce what your spouse is saying to you.
3. Ask: What can I do to please you today?
This advice was given at some friends' wedding a few weeks ago. If you were to ask yourself each day "what is one thing I could do to please my spouse today?" and then did it, imagine the impact that would have on your relationship. It doesn't have to be a big thing but it places the focus on what you can give rather than on what you want to get from the other person. It's true that it is better to give than to receive. I know that the times that I have been happiest in my relationship with Leigh is when I am focussing on what I can do for him, rather than on what he will do for me. Try asking this question either to yourself or actually ask your partner what you can do for them. Then how about spending 20 mins a day attending to each other's needs.
If you try these 3 things you can go a long way towards healing a broken or damaged relationship.
LOVE IN ACTION
I received a lovely email from a man recently in response to the articles on love languages. Here is what he says:
Receiving gifts
One of the hardest things most people find to do is just to say thanks for receiving a gift. Some people feel they must rush out and buy another gift and so on - however, thanks is still the greatest gift that gives the greatest warmth. One day your son will say Thanks Mum, and you will treasure that moment for ever.
Giving gifts
Sometimes it is the little things that count. When I travel without the family I like to leave notes around the house in places where they will gradually come across them with sufficient spacing to give them a surprise. The first morning my children open the cereal container they find a note simply saying something like ''I'm thinking of you'', or when my wife has a mid-morning cup of tea I leave a small note in the tea bags. The next night she might find one when she opens her pyjama draw and so on. Of course you can always unroll the toilet paper and pop a note saying ''I love you'' way down towards the end, re-roll it and you know someone in the house will find it in a few days time. Yes, you have to be creative. it leaves great love language messages when you're not there.
Thank you David.
GOT A QUESTION?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If you have a question or situation that you would like a life coach's perspective on... email it to coach@livingedge.net and I'll answer in Living on the Edge.
Good judgment come from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
Questions, comments, suggestions email coach@livingedge.net
To receive 'Living on the Edge' email subscribe@livingedge.net
To stop receiving 'Living on the Edge' email subscribe@livingedge.net and write 'unsubscribe' in the header.
LIVING EDGE
LIFE COACHING
28 Hawthorn Tce, Red Hill Q 4059
p: 07 3511 6138 f: 07 3511 6137 m: 0409 076 040
1300 137 803