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Welcome to Volume 15 of Living on the Edge, the fortnightly newsletter from Living Edge Life Coaching, designed to inform, educate, challenge and inspire you!
A special welcome to our new subscribers from Canada, New Zealand, Sydney and Brisbane.
For previous volumes click here.
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Annabel Varvel
Life Coach BA.LLB
COACHING CORNER
4 relational germs & 3 antibiotics
Relationships can become sick for a variety of reasons, not using your partner's love language is simply one! The Five Love Language articles over the last 2 editions have been so popular, I thought I'd continue with the relationship theme.
I was recently at a marriage seminar which has provided me with some great material, courtesy of Fran & Chas Gullo. On top of that some great friends were married on the weekend, so that was jam packed full of great advice too! I'm happy to share the wisdom with you.
We all know that a simple virus can have devastating consequences on us physically, most severely some can even cause death. As with germs that affect our bodies, relationship germs can also cause sickness and sadly, death. Here are 4 of the most deadly relational germs:
1. Withdrawal
I'm sure all of you have heard of if not read one of John Gray's many Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books. He largely associates withdrawal with men (ie they go to caves) but men are not the only withdrawal culprits.
Both genders withdraw - this can be physically and/or emotionally from another person. Perhaps it's giving the cold shoulder, perhaps it's actually walking away from a discussion, for me it's sitting in stoney silence. However you do it, know that it is a communication killer. It builds walls between people. It is rarely useful.
2. Escalation
This one is for you hot blooded firey types! You're the ones prone to raising your voice, yelling and shouting. Your escalating voice does nothing to help conflict. Raised tones put people immediately on the defensive or in the attack-back mode. Once defenses are raised, walls go up. Intimacy is threatened. You may also find that fear creeps into your relationship. Conflict avoidance can also result from escalation which may seem appealing in the short term but long term is just as deadly to healthy communication and a good relationship.
3. Belittling
All those little niggly negative things you say to your partner add up. Subtle jibes, particularly in public are damaging to our self-esteem. You might think if you say something sarcastically that it is funny, and it might be (to you) but it is not worth it when it's at the expense of your partner.
Belittling is damaging at any time, but especially in public. No one likes to be made fun of do they? The old adage "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" is simply untrue. Negative words kill.
4. Seeing the negatives
You may remember some time ago I wrote about the Reticular Activating System. Once your mind's attention is drawn to something your RAS will make you continue to see it. Whilst this is most noticeable with cars (ie you buy a new car and then start seeing them everywhere) the same thing can happen when we start to notice negative things about our partners.
Once you find some annoying habit they've got, you then find another, and another, and another, until all you see is negative and you forget that your partner has any endearing qualities at all! Don't allow yourself to go down the path of seeing the negatives. Discipline your mind. If something really bother's you, bring it up with them then don't dwell on it, move on. Negative thoughts will lead to a negative perception of your relationship and that is a nasty germ!!
If your awareness is now suddenly raised to a germ that threatens your primary relationships, stay tuned for the next newsletter to get the 3 antibiotics that will kill these germs!
LOVE IN ACTION
I have received the most positive feedback and comments about the last 2 volumes of Living on the Edge of all my newsletters.
I have heard of a number of couples married for well over 20 years seeing their spouses in a whole new light and understanding the things they do in fresh ways. I love the comment from one of my clients who said "when my partner makes my lunch, I call it a 'love sandwich'"!!
If you missed the articles, click below:
Are you speaking the same language? Part 1
Are you speaking the same language? Part 2
I am happy to report that I have been appreciating Leigh's love languages a lot more the last couple of weeks ;-)
Any other stories or confessions about putting the love languages into action? Email me coach@livingedge.net - you can remain anonymous if I print your story.....
GOT A QUESTION?
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
If you have a question or situation that you would like a life coach's perspective on... email it to coach@livingedge.net and I'll answer in Living on the Edge.
Every day brings a chance to live free of regret, and with as much joy, fun and laughter as you can stand.
Oprah
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